the real me

It was two years ago when Gabby went home to heaven. Lately, I have been thinking about her alot more than usual. And so it has caused to think back to everything that happened when she was born, all the time we had with her, the morning she went to heaven, and the journey we have been on since. There is so much I could say about all of that, but I think the most important thing I have learned and continue to learn everyday is to truly and honestly be thankful in all situations. Its more than just saying it, but its really about what's in my heart, the parts only I know about.

After Gabby passed on to heaven, one of the things i struggled with was wanting to be able to hold her again, and to feel her little fingers wrapped about my finger. I remember crying out to God, "God, i just want to hold her one more time". We didnt always get to hold her because of all the tubes and wires, and after her surgery we got to hold her even less, so each moment of holding her was so special.

One day I was looking through pics of Gabby's life, and I came across one of me holding her the night before her surgery. The first thought that popped into my head was "Thank you God for this photo!" It helped me realize how much I was really changing. I was truly thankful for that moment. When I opened my eyes again, I started thanking God for all the things in my life. Once we allow our heart to really change, the evidence flows out. The truth is that people's heart do change one way or the other. By that I mean, you can become thankful and grateful, or you can hold on to the hurt, or pain, and become bitter and miserable. Sadly, 80% of families who have a child pass away go through a lifetime of hurt, pain and end in divorce. Its so important to be thankful from the inside out.

I encourage you, whatever you are going through, the way out starts by thanking God. I know it may seem hard or a little strange, but its really not. I thank God for Gabby and for how much hair she had on her head. I thank God for each day I saw her, and for each time she would look at me. I thank Him for each song I got to sing to her. I thank God for letting me be her daddy! God is good!

I do think about her alot, like what she would look like and be learning, but each time I do, I thank God for her. It makes it so much easier to thank Him in other situations, and to thank Him for my other daughter, bella, and for my wife, heather. This is the real me.

If you are struggling with a situation or if you are having a hard time being truly grateful, ask God to help you. He is an ever present help in time of trouble. Heather and I are praying for you and we are thankful for your prayers and for being part of our lives. Praise the Lord!

Freedom

I want to say THANK YOU to those who gave towards our First Annual Holiday Gift Drive. We were so blessed by your generosity. We were able to go in the PICU at Saint Francis Hospital and take toys, Restaurant gift cards, gas cards, snacks and more, for boys and girls in the hospital, Moms and Dads, and brothers and sisters. I am so grateful for each one of you supporting us through your prayers and giving. Jesus tells a great story in Matthew 25 about those who will inherit the Kingdom of God. "...For I was hungry and you gave me food; I was thirsty and your gave Me a drink; I was a stranger and you took Me in; I was naked and you clothed Me; I was sick and you visited Me..." (Matthew 25:35-36). Together we will be the ones to reach out and help the least of these.

Alot of people said to me how great it was that we were reaching out to families in the hospital.

But I can't take any credit. God's grace is sufficient. Here's what I mean...

I am so grateful to be able to minister to hurting people, but going back to the hospital where we spent so much time and not seeing our prayers answered in the way we wanted...was not something I really knew how to do or was ready to do.

I remember after Gabby went to heaven, feeling so ashamed of myself as a christian. I stood on God's Word, planted seed, prayed, confessed God's Word, refused to others speak evil over her life, played healing songs and scriptures 24 hours a day in her room, literally everything I knew to do, I did. And I felt like I failed in every way; as a father; as a husband; as a christian; In every way. We had been so vocal about our stand and our faith to all those around us, family, friends, doctors and nurses, that I was suddenly unsure of how to explain God's goodness to them. I really felt inadequate, especially when it came to praying for someone, because I felt like I had prayed for my own daughter and didn't see the answer I prayed for.

Sometimes, I would just break down and cry because it was so overwhelming. I know the scripture from Romans 8 that there is no condemnation for those in Christ. We all know it. But we are in a war, and the enemy will do everything and anything to take us out. Don't misunderstand me, I didn't live depressed or in pity, but when it came to moving out in the spirit, the attack was there.

I knew in my spirit, that I needed freedom and healing, so I trusted and obeyed God. That was all I had. I remember clearly, waking up in the middle of the night, just wide awake. I went to the living room and started praying. "God, all I know to do is trust and obey you." For me it was that bottom line moment, where there is nothing more to hide. What He spoke to me was so simple. "Thank you.", "Wait...What God?", "Thank you for trusting and obeying." He went on to remind me the He had already redeemed me from the curse, by being made a curse for me (Galatians 3:13), and that my part was to Trust and Obey Him.

I don't claim to have all the answers about why things happen in life. But I don't need to know all the answers. They are not important. Proverbs 3:5-6 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not to your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths." That night I was able to understand this and be free from the shame and bondage of feeling as though I had failed. Jesus became that for me so I could be more than a conqueror! Praise You Jesus! I can trust that God is in control and not have to know 'why this happened to me'.

This part of the journey has brought revival and freedom to my life. I feel now more than ever the Spirit of God leading us and speaking through us. Whatever lies ahead, God has provided for, and He has equipped us all to be ready to step out in the boldness of His spirit to cast out the darkness. So I encourage you, spend time with God. Trust Him, He will never fail you. Obey Him. Whatever He says, do it. He made you and knows everything you need.

If you struggle with depression, shame, or anything like that, remember Jesus was made that curse, so you wouldn't have to deal or cope with it. Taking a pill for depression is not part of the inheritance we have in Jesus. You can be free from that bondage designed by the devil to hold you down. Pray with me, "Jesus, I believe You are God's Son and that you died for me. I know you rose from the grave, please bring your life into mine. Jesus, I trust you and I choose to obey your Word. Thank you for being made a curse so that I can live in freedom."

If you prayed this, please let me or heather know, we want to celebrate with you and help you on your journey in freedom through Jesus!

People, You are AWESOME!

The UnExpected

Well, here we are. One year later. I can tell you that I never expected to be here today. But now that I am here, the view is amazing and I am more determined than ever.

Thats the funny thing about life...you don’t know what’s around the corner. Scripture tells us in James 4:13-15 we don’t know what our life will be like tomorrow, but we will do as the Lord wants us to do. For some people this is hard to swallow, because we like to be in control of our lives. But this is part of submitting our will to God’s will, just as Jesus did in the garden. A good friend recently told me, ‘You can’t submit to something until you disagree with it. Otherwise it’s just agreement’. Our job is not to worry about tomorrow or what’s coming, but rather to submit that control and our will to God and effect today for eternity.

I wasn’t totally sure what to expect this year, with it being one year since Gabby went home to be with Jesus. Honestly, in my mind, I began to play out all the emotions and gloom of what it would be like on the anniversary. Because, when I got that phone call early in the morning last thanksgiving, I knew Gabby would be healed. I was completely persuaded. I believed it. And I was so blindsided when we walked into that hospital room and received the news. I felt totally helpless...there was nothing I could do. I just stood there with a huge hole through my being, holding my sobbing wife, and my three year old little girl, Isabella. There is nothing that can prepare someone for that moment. Nothing.

Going through this journey was unexpected for us. And sometimes I still cry. How could I not, I love my precious Gabby. There was a moment just a few weeks ago...I was walking down the hall rehearsing in my thoughts how this thanksgiving without Gabby would feel, and I felt the Spirit of God inside of me rise up. I am more than a conqueror! I am an overcomer and am redeemed from the curse! I began to pray and remind myself of God’s goodness and His promises. I began to rehearse how he brought me and Heather through the worst time in our lives to give us victory today. Psalm 103 tells us to remember the Lord’s benefits and how He redeemed us. I made up my mind right there in that hallway how I would feel this year.

Believe me when I say, I miss Gabriella, and I think about her everyday. And while I don’t know what will happen tomorrow, I do know that while I am here today that I can help bring Hope and Healing to others.

This past sunday, my Pastor, Billy Joe Daugherty, stepped into his eternal reward in heaven. Never would I, or anyone, have imagined this. I owe him and his family so much. Pastor was always there throughout my life. He married me and heather, dedicated Isabella, He was there when Heather died and came back to life....so much he did, never expecting anything in return. His only thought was that we would know Jesus more. I remember before Gabby’s memorial service, sitting in the back room with my family, Pastor walked in. He spoke a few words to the family and said how he saw God’s grace in our lives and saw how we were already ministering God’s healing to others. I remember clearly the next words Pastor said, “They got it! They got it!” He looked at us and smiled.

Pastor Billy Joe was an amazing man. And without his ministry, I wouldn’t have known how to experience God’s healing in my life. I can’t think of a better way to honor his life then to simply love people and help them experience healing in dealing with his loss, because Pastor touched so many lives. My time this past week has been spent looking for ways to help others through this process. Yes, its hard. Yes, I miss him. But nothing will deter me from my purpose. For me, there is no better way to honor Gabby, Pastor, and others who have gone home before us, then to see a person in need, and be a friend they can talk to, a shoulder to cry on, someone to listen to stories and to show the love of Jesus.

This year, we are starting the First Annual Holiday Gift Drive. We are collecting toys for kids and babies who are in the hospital through the holidays. Also, gas cards and restaurant cards for mom and dads. You can also make a monetary donation towards any of those things families need. We want to be a blessing to families during their moment of need. If you feel to be a part, just email, text of facebook me or heather so we can connect with you.

We are so grateful for our families, and our victory family and friends. We pray that this year will be a year of breakthrough and thanksgiving in your life.

A Fork in the Road

Have you ever had one of those moments in life when there was a fork in the road? Sometimes we don’t always see those moments until after they have passed. Regardless, we all have those moments, and the choices we make determine the outcome of whatever we are going through. For us, this fork came very early in our journey...just shortly after being told that Gabby had gone to be with the Lord. This is our story of what happened that morning, and how we begin to receive healing from God.

Its was about 3:30am when I woke to my phone ringing, with Gabby’s Nurse on the other end telling me that she wasn’t doing very good and they wanted to let us know. We got up, got dressed, got Bella, and headed out. By the time we walked down to the car, the Nurse was calling again to make sure we were on our way. I was flooded with so many emotions and feelings on that car ride. There was no one else out on the roads, and it seemed like it took forever to get to the hospital. We prayed the whole way there, but I was still battling thoughts, and fear...it was so intense. We got to her room, and saw a huge crowd of doctors and nurses surrounding Gabby’s bed. Her Nurse saw us, and ran over to Heather crying and said, “She didn’t make it”, and grabbed Heather.

At that moment, I felt as if everything going on slowed to a stop. I could hear my heart beating so loud in my ears. My first thought was, ‘God where are you?’ I was completely unprepared for this moment. I had Bella asleep on shoulder, and I grabbed Heather, and started crying. I felt complete devastation and destroyed. I can’t tell you how long we stood there crying, cause it seemed like 50 hours.

At some point, I managed to call Heather’s mom, so they could come up, and she called Uncle Rod.

There is so much the devil attacks a person with in that moment, and I felt all of it. This is the worst moment of my life, what more suffering can a person handle. Aside from all the pain of losing my baby girl, I felt completely helpless to protect my wife from the pain she was going through. I can tell you, I felt completely alone. Totally. Like I was standing in the middle of a wasteland, screaming and no one could hear me. I remember saying, ‘God, help me!’ That was all I could muster. You see we knew the answer to pull us out, but we needed help to remind us of the answer.

Uncle Rod came in to the room with a Spirit of Peace and Authority. He grabbed us and prayed for us, and said he had a word for us. He read the scripture in 2 Samuel 12, when after David lost his son, dressed himself and ate. Uncle Rod said we needed to Worship God together and Thank Him for everything He has done. I knew he was right, but my flesh did not want to do that. In my worst moment in life he wants me to what?!?!

Well, right on cue, Uncle Rod looks at me and says ‘Chris lets sing.’ So....this is the fork in the road. Are you going to lift your voice and sing thanks to God, the Creator of the universe, or are you going to continue to spiral down and allow the enemy to bring more destruction and devastation. So we sang. “For You are Great! You do miracles so great. There is no one else like You. There is no one else like You!” We sang it over and over. It was so hard. But we sang and thanked God for His goodness. It was once we started singing that I felt the sting and pain of everything fade. I felt like God rushed in to the wasteland where I was and surrounded me and my family. We were safe and protected in worship and thanksgiving to God. I knew that this would be journey of healing, but I had peace, and comfort, and hope. I still cried, but they weren’t tears of agony any longer.

The only way Heather and I have been able to walk in healing and strength is through continual Thanksgiving and Worship to God. Its not always a song, sometimes its just thanking God through words. But no matter the circumstance or situation, God is worthy of our Praise. He is mighty to save and deserves our praise. By choosing to worship God in that moment, we turned our focus off of our own pain and suffering to the goodness and majesty of God.

I am not pretending to know all the answers and why things happen. Trying to answer those kind of question can cause so much confusion and pain and disbelief. We simply choose to not worry about all that but to solely focus on God. So be encouraged! When you get to your fork in the road, Worship God. Not for what is happening, but because of who God is.

One last thing, I thank God for sending Uncle Rod with that word. Lets be people that help point others to Thanking God for all He has done. We are the carriers of His Hope to those suffering. It wont always be easy, but Worship will be the first step past the fork in the road.

Refelcting On Memories

So, yesterday at work, I went to open iPhoto to grab a pic for a job I was working on, and it opened up to an album of me holding Gabby, and heather holding Gabby, and bella holding Gabby's hand. Needless to say, I was instantly overwhelmed. I was not expecting to see those photos right then, and was in hurry to finish my work, so I could leave for the day. But as I sat there, I could remember that moment from the pictures as if it happened yesterday. I closed my eyes, and just thought about the moment. The clothes I wore that day, how excited Bella was to be able to go into the NICU and see Gabby, how glad I was to see and hold Gabby, the look on Heather's face when she picked her up, Bella talking in a little girl voice, 'Hi Gabby, I'm Bella. I'm your big sister.' It was so vivid in my mind. It was that moment alone in my office, that God spoke to me, in just the way I was needing.

I have really been struggling, and working through my regrets and memories from when Gabby was born through the time she went home. I know the scripture 'there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus.', but thats where I am at in this journey. Cause I wish I could have been there longer, or stayed later, or sang another song to her, or gotten earlier to go be with her....so many thoughts...good thoughts, joyful thoughts, things I want to redo...please don't misunderstand me, every memory is precious, but at the same time every fiber of my being wants to be back in those moments, just to cherish them a little bit more. Just to hold her for 2 more minutes. It is SO important that we cherish and protect every moment with those we love. After all we are not promised tomorrow....

Sitting there in my office, trying to be strong and not totally start bawling, I felt God's presence come in and literally surround me. It was like I could feel Him come in and move in a circle around me. The best image I can think of is from a photo of cattle when they would circle around the young with their backsides together and all facing out....I felt so safe and free. You can't tell me God ever stops thinking of me. or you for that matter. I felt like he told me to rehearse those moments and thank Him for them. Just like I have been reading in the Old Testament where children of Israel would constantly rehearse, talk through, the entire journey of their people. The good and the bad, and they praised God. So, the best I could I rehearsed God's goodness in my life.

There is so much freedom, hope, and healing in thanksgiving. Be encouraged and confident in God. Remember to rehearse your journey in life with thanks to God. As you do, you will find exactly what you need.

Hope from the start

I have been meaning to start this for a long time and well...i feel ready now, or more ready if you will, to do this. I pray that you hear our heart through this blog and feel the hope that we live in.

I haven't talked with a whole lot of people about this journey Heather and I have been on, but I feel the time has come. I can honestly say that I never pictured myself or my family on this road dealing with this. But who does. There are times when I can't stop crying; times I feel so safe in God's unending hope, love and strength; times when I miss Gabby so much I could rip my heart out; times I hold my Bella and thank God for her life for literally what seems like a million times; times I sing to God as loud as I am able. But despite all of this, I have come to rely on and trust in God in ways I never understood before. There is no way, we could have made it through this without the Hope and Mercy God has shown us. Each day is a new adventure, a new way that God will show himself strong in our lives. The Creator of the universe caring for and helping me...I encourage you to meditate on that thought. God cares for you and is here to help you with anything going on in your life...amazing. I will be sharing on this blog more of this journey.

Father's Day was just here, and I wasn't exactly sure how I was going to feel. Mainly cause I think about Gabby alot. And I miss her everyday more than I know how to put into words. But with Father's Day coming...I just wanted to be ok. I spent the day with Heather and Bella just enjoying my family. There was such joy and peace. I remember waking up Sunday morning feeling so refreshed and strengthened. I closed my eyes, while sitting on the edge of my bed, "God, thank you for making me a dad. You are so good." At that moment, my entire being was flooded with peace and joy and life and hope. God is good. He is my hope.

I want to thank all of you who have been praying for us, and those of you who have shared your stories with us. I never knew so many people around me have experienced similar situations. We are so grateful for your continued prayers and support.

Please feel free to comment on this blog and send it to anyone. If you know someone going through the loss of a child or with an infant in the hospital, please send them the blog and you are welcome to give them our info. I pray that God will use us to minister His hope and healing to those who need it.