the real me

It was two years ago when Gabby went home to heaven. Lately, I have been thinking about her alot more than usual. And so it has caused to think back to everything that happened when she was born, all the time we had with her, the morning she went to heaven, and the journey we have been on since. There is so much I could say about all of that, but I think the most important thing I have learned and continue to learn everyday is to truly and honestly be thankful in all situations. Its more than just saying it, but its really about what's in my heart, the parts only I know about.

After Gabby passed on to heaven, one of the things i struggled with was wanting to be able to hold her again, and to feel her little fingers wrapped about my finger. I remember crying out to God, "God, i just want to hold her one more time". We didnt always get to hold her because of all the tubes and wires, and after her surgery we got to hold her even less, so each moment of holding her was so special.

One day I was looking through pics of Gabby's life, and I came across one of me holding her the night before her surgery. The first thought that popped into my head was "Thank you God for this photo!" It helped me realize how much I was really changing. I was truly thankful for that moment. When I opened my eyes again, I started thanking God for all the things in my life. Once we allow our heart to really change, the evidence flows out. The truth is that people's heart do change one way or the other. By that I mean, you can become thankful and grateful, or you can hold on to the hurt, or pain, and become bitter and miserable. Sadly, 80% of families who have a child pass away go through a lifetime of hurt, pain and end in divorce. Its so important to be thankful from the inside out.

I encourage you, whatever you are going through, the way out starts by thanking God. I know it may seem hard or a little strange, but its really not. I thank God for Gabby and for how much hair she had on her head. I thank God for each day I saw her, and for each time she would look at me. I thank Him for each song I got to sing to her. I thank God for letting me be her daddy! God is good!

I do think about her alot, like what she would look like and be learning, but each time I do, I thank God for her. It makes it so much easier to thank Him in other situations, and to thank Him for my other daughter, bella, and for my wife, heather. This is the real me.

If you are struggling with a situation or if you are having a hard time being truly grateful, ask God to help you. He is an ever present help in time of trouble. Heather and I are praying for you and we are thankful for your prayers and for being part of our lives. Praise the Lord!

Freedom

I want to say THANK YOU to those who gave towards our First Annual Holiday Gift Drive. We were so blessed by your generosity. We were able to go in the PICU at Saint Francis Hospital and take toys, Restaurant gift cards, gas cards, snacks and more, for boys and girls in the hospital, Moms and Dads, and brothers and sisters. I am so grateful for each one of you supporting us through your prayers and giving. Jesus tells a great story in Matthew 25 about those who will inherit the Kingdom of God. "...For I was hungry and you gave me food; I was thirsty and your gave Me a drink; I was a stranger and you took Me in; I was naked and you clothed Me; I was sick and you visited Me..." (Matthew 25:35-36). Together we will be the ones to reach out and help the least of these.

Alot of people said to me how great it was that we were reaching out to families in the hospital.

But I can't take any credit. God's grace is sufficient. Here's what I mean...

I am so grateful to be able to minister to hurting people, but going back to the hospital where we spent so much time and not seeing our prayers answered in the way we wanted...was not something I really knew how to do or was ready to do.

I remember after Gabby went to heaven, feeling so ashamed of myself as a christian. I stood on God's Word, planted seed, prayed, confessed God's Word, refused to others speak evil over her life, played healing songs and scriptures 24 hours a day in her room, literally everything I knew to do, I did. And I felt like I failed in every way; as a father; as a husband; as a christian; In every way. We had been so vocal about our stand and our faith to all those around us, family, friends, doctors and nurses, that I was suddenly unsure of how to explain God's goodness to them. I really felt inadequate, especially when it came to praying for someone, because I felt like I had prayed for my own daughter and didn't see the answer I prayed for.

Sometimes, I would just break down and cry because it was so overwhelming. I know the scripture from Romans 8 that there is no condemnation for those in Christ. We all know it. But we are in a war, and the enemy will do everything and anything to take us out. Don't misunderstand me, I didn't live depressed or in pity, but when it came to moving out in the spirit, the attack was there.

I knew in my spirit, that I needed freedom and healing, so I trusted and obeyed God. That was all I had. I remember clearly, waking up in the middle of the night, just wide awake. I went to the living room and started praying. "God, all I know to do is trust and obey you." For me it was that bottom line moment, where there is nothing more to hide. What He spoke to me was so simple. "Thank you.", "Wait...What God?", "Thank you for trusting and obeying." He went on to remind me the He had already redeemed me from the curse, by being made a curse for me (Galatians 3:13), and that my part was to Trust and Obey Him.

I don't claim to have all the answers about why things happen in life. But I don't need to know all the answers. They are not important. Proverbs 3:5-6 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not to your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths." That night I was able to understand this and be free from the shame and bondage of feeling as though I had failed. Jesus became that for me so I could be more than a conqueror! Praise You Jesus! I can trust that God is in control and not have to know 'why this happened to me'.

This part of the journey has brought revival and freedom to my life. I feel now more than ever the Spirit of God leading us and speaking through us. Whatever lies ahead, God has provided for, and He has equipped us all to be ready to step out in the boldness of His spirit to cast out the darkness. So I encourage you, spend time with God. Trust Him, He will never fail you. Obey Him. Whatever He says, do it. He made you and knows everything you need.

If you struggle with depression, shame, or anything like that, remember Jesus was made that curse, so you wouldn't have to deal or cope with it. Taking a pill for depression is not part of the inheritance we have in Jesus. You can be free from that bondage designed by the devil to hold you down. Pray with me, "Jesus, I believe You are God's Son and that you died for me. I know you rose from the grave, please bring your life into mine. Jesus, I trust you and I choose to obey your Word. Thank you for being made a curse so that I can live in freedom."

If you prayed this, please let me or heather know, we want to celebrate with you and help you on your journey in freedom through Jesus!

People, You are AWESOME!